By Carlos Rodriguez
In the weeks leading up to my wedding 10 years ago, I remember being excited, but nervous.
My soon-to-be wife and I were both virgins. The church gave us so many reasons to wait, and were glad we did. The problem was that it told us nothing about what to do when we got there.
Like any other couple, we figured things out, but looking back, it makes me wonder if the Church needs to reconsider some of the ways it talks about (or doesnt talk about) sex. Why are we so against talking about it, when we are so vocal about talking against it?
I want to make an invitation to us, the Church, to join the conversation (as oppose to shy away from it again). The truth is that sex is found in a lot of areas of Scripture. It was designed by God. And we Christians need to speak up about it, in non-judgmental, honest ways.
Wecould do a better job and have a sex-talk that is more than the usual dont have sex talk. We seem to think that weve done our job if were sending our young people into the marriage bed as virgins. But things dont always happen that way, and even if they do, being a virgin doesnt guarantee that youll have a good sex life. Either way, the amount of conversations I have had with young couples who have struggled with their sex life is staggering. And often, they feel like they dont have many places to turn to for help.
If we preach all the verses against lust and seduction and sexual sin (which we should), then we also need to teach all the verses on beauty and creativity and romance and awesome sex.
There is far more to this topic than can be covered in this article, but here are some things we should be telling young married (and soon-to-be-married) couples about sex:
On day fiveof our three-month honeymoon, my wife, Catherine, and I had an honest conversation. We were enjoying each other. Stumbling through our first few times, but withmore good than bad. The problem was that there was an expectation created by our other virgin (barely) friends. It sounded something like this, Oh, you guys wont see the light of day! andYou will be in the hotel room all day long.
But it didnt turn out like that. It was good. We felt connected, but after a few minutes each morning, we were ready to go out, explore the land and just walk around holding hands and chatting about what to do in life.
It was then when we discovered that sex is amazing, but it is also gloriously overrated. And that truth set us free to have a phenomenalsex life for the next 10 years.
We stripped the act away from every other expectation that was not simply Fun. Us. Together. Now. And in that context, we serve each other and loved each other for a decade.
Some people believe that sex in real life is like sex in the movies. Everyone always gets an orgasm(at the same time) and there is no need to run to the bathroom to wash yourself.
Our world system has created such an idea of what sex is that it has corrupted the truth. And so peopleget lost in pornographybecause they are trying to recreate this fantasy that was createdby another fantasy and only in a fantasy can it become real.
Real-life sex is not like most of the depictions youve seenand thats OK.
The truth is, sex is work. A labor of love and joy, yes, but still a labor.
Sometimes it takes time for both parties to really get into it. Youll have to be patient with one another. But remember this, the whole point is to enjoy each other. Actually, the best sex happens when you focus on making it the best sex for your partner.
So work hard at having fun. Dont take yourselves too seriously. Be creative.
Communicate. Learn about each other and decide what works for you two.
If you get stuck along the way, then ask questions. Dont keep your issues behind closed doors. Yes, its your sex life, your privacy, your intimate space, but there are others out there who have been together for a long time and have a learned a few things along the way.
Sex gets better, especially ifyou have been doing it with the same person for 10 years.
I am all about waiting till the wedding day, but I dont think we should just stop talking about it after that.