It was a brisk Brooklyn night. October had just stumbled into November, and cuddle season sneakily crept up on my ex-boyfriend Brian* and me. Wewere tucked away under his bedsheetsin his bedroom,my safe place. I was in heaven.
What Brian was about to say, though, wouldn’t only forever change the way I felt about being in his bed. It’d forever change the way I feel about myself.
What do we have here?” he said, caressing the backs of my calves with his big, strong hands.
What do you mean? I said, wide-eyed as a little girl on Christmas, bracing myself for his hand to make its way up to my lady parts.
“This.” He slapped my hamstrings, then gripped them so hard I almost yelped. “You could definitely tighten these up a bit.”
My body went from generating heat to growing completely cold. I was flushed.
“I don’t know. I think they’re fine,” I said, sinking deeper and deeper into thecovers.
What kills me is youre so close, he continued. The man wouldn’t stop incriminating himself. Youre nearly there. If you just worked out a little morespend a day with me. I can transform you.”
In an attempt to not succumb to my vulnerability — and instead fight back with wit — I grabbed at the thin layer of fleshon his thigh, hoping to make alook-you-have-fat-too!-point. Butthe truth was, he hardly had any fat on his leg, so I just looked stupid.
Did I forget to mention Brian is a certified personal trainer? Yeah. Hearing put-downs from the perfect piece of man meat lying next to me wasn’t exactly how I envisioned that particular night going.Had I missed something? Why did I need to be “transformed?”
Dating Brian was great when it was good. But when it was bad, it was awful. See, as with anything in life, there are pros and cons to dating a personal trainer. Good sex in the bedroom, beautiful man candy on your arm and having a boyfriend who’s skilled in manual labor are just some of the pros. He’d assemble pieces of furniture for me, so I’d overlook his general douchebaggery.
But the cons were some of the biggest points of contention in our relationship. He had this insatiable affinity for the gym — both for feeling his best, but also for looking his best — while I was never too crazy about it (except to meet dudes).
He was more-or-lessobsessedwith maintaining his all-around perfect body. No, I dont think you get it. When I say hes perfect everywhere, I mean everywhere — as in an advertisement agency once wrapped his penis in clay to use as a dildo model.